Life at the Ladrang

Well, Rinpoche sleeps at about 8am (if we are lucky) and wakes at about 5pm.. so basically my timing is totally out of whack as I only get to go home during the morning rush hour, sleep a few hours before having to run around doing errands and going into the labrang by 4-5ish and not really see daylight again after that... So basically I hardly go online anymore (as I have no internet at home and well, not much free time anyway) and not much opportunity to sneak out for play either... but i still do love you all and miss those days of debauchery and play...sniff

Evil Smoochie

Smoochie is yet another of my pseudonyms...and well since coming back into the ladrang well accounts of the extent of Smoochie's evilness has surfaced.

So in repentance for all my evilness, I have shaved off my head and am looking like a really ugly baldy or a deviant nun. Have also been put on a silent retreat. so don't even bother trying to call me... exactly how long do I remain this way... I have no idea, but there is something peaceful about not having to talk, and I cannot say, I am actually suffering.

Oh ya, I have also been ordered to quit smoking and lose 25kgs. so please please please do not tempt me with offers of food... If i do not lose those 25kgs before my hair reaches shoulder length, I have to shave off totally again... Ya, Rinpoche is attempting to do the impossible... to get me to discipline myself... so have pity on me and think of weird and wonderful easy ways for me to lose these spare tyres..

So what exactly am I doing now?

Now that is a good question!

Even before I left Intan Budaya, I have been getting more and more involved in Rinpoche's work again... this time his ladrang.

Ok ok... let's explain the terminology first... as simple as possible.

Rinpoche = tibetan term literally meaning "precious one". This usually denotes a master / abbot / highly attained one / a golden child .. you get the drift. In this case, I am refering to H.E. Tsem Tulku Rinpoche (www.tsemtulku.com) who I have known for the past 10 years or so. Before working for Intan Budaya... I was kindda like this assistant... something like that.

Ladrang = a household of a Rinpoche.

Anyway, Buddhism is Buddhism... regardless of whether it is Chinese, Thai, Sri Lankan... the whole lot arose from Buddha Shakyamuni. But as he taught so many, certain sets of scriptures migrated to different parts of the world... hence the differences in the practices. But the theory or rather the principles are all the same only the method is different.

Tibetan Buddhism focuses allot on the importance of the Guru, the teacher. The logic behind that is that the Guru is the manifestation of Buddha that you yourself can perceive, cos he is the one that teaches you, guides you etc. So without a physical guru, you would not have any teachings at all and therefore have no means of furthering and developing yourself. Makes sense no? The Guru is also then 'the vehicle' in which you actually receive Buddha's blessings from. Thus the tradition demands that your relationship between yourself and your Guru, remains pure and as close as possible. Also to view him as the Buddha and whatever his actions are in fact that which is divine.

For skeptics like myself, this is actually an incredibly difficult thing to do. To view a person, any person, as perfection. For I am the type that looks for flaws everywhere. My mind is such that i do not really see good, but the bad. This could be because my ownself is so greatly flawed, that i question everything and come to weird conclusions and accept that as the gospel truth, when in fact it is just the findings of a deluded mind.

The alternative would be not to take a Guru at all and then you don't need to worry about his imperfections. But then where would we actually be? Do we actually received blessings? And what good arises from NOT having anyone guide you but instead stumble blindly....either way there is not much of a choice...

So about 10 years or so ago, I began assisting him and although I didn't go through the whole formal refuge (baptism) with him but with HE Gangchen Rinpoche, well, frankly TR (Tsem Rinpoche) is the one that has taught me everything I know, who has looked after me, guided me, scolded me, cooked for me, and even slapped me...etc etc

To cut a long story short... a few years ago, I started having allot of troubles with Rinpoche. Where it all originated from, well, if you asked me that question a year ago I would have told you names, who did what to me etc. But, well, its not so simple. When I actually sit down and try to trace back to the origins of my problems, it looks very much like it all arose from me. For example, because I was upset I did A, then B arose and subsequently C resulted, but if I was not upset, I would not have done A, then B wouldn't have arisen and I wouldn't get C... hope that makes sense...but when examined on a deeper level... what exactly was incident A?? I believe that it is human nature to state some reason like "oh incident A was when this one did that to me" but is that really true?? Or does it stem much much further than that...

Anyway, after a 2 year silence, where I even moved to the other end of town, and lead a more mundane life, Rinpoche decided to call me. That was about a couple of months ago. We talked, argued, screamed etc. (yes you are not supposed to argue or scream with your guru, but well this particular miscreant did) and I missed him. I missed all the things that we did do together for the years before I took a hike out. And suddenly I was excited again. So I quit Intan Budaya and joined him again.

BUT there is so much water under the bridge and things that I held in my heart for so long do not get erased over night. Ya ya, decent Buddhist practitioners would be able to let go, then again, they wouldn't have ended up in my state in the first place. What can I say, I am not a decent practitioner... or even a diligent one. In fact, I am mostly likened to an evil spirit most of the time.. and I rather enjoy the notority of being one...

Exactly what he sees in me, I really have no idea. As you can say I am the worse Buddhist practitioner, and no I am not being modest. I really am. And it is also not as if i have allot of skills that can be of help to him. In fact, I have no skills nothing..I have a habit of just bullshitting through life and trying to look like i actually know what i am doing. I am not a nice, kind, soft, compassionate person... these terms are definitely not ones used to describe me... try rude, obnoxious, arrogant..

So back to the original question.. exactly what am i doing now?? Well, Kechara has expanded greatly since I left and allot more people have come aboard... Allot more QUALIFIED people. So currently, I have been placed in his labrang, his household - to participate in the daily running of it... ya... basically a glorified maid!

On one hand, it could well be said that I could actually do much more... but on the other hand, if you comprehend the practice of guru devotion, then the sheer merits needed to serve in such an illustrious household, to be in a his presence everyday, it is in fact an honor.