Training your MAN

Was having an interesting conversation with a few friends the other night about dealing with "the hubby". Mrs expat had just undergone life saving surgery and was bemoaning about how insensitve, totally blase and unhelpful her hubby is despite her recent trauma.

"He won't even get the groceries!!! And he knows full well I can't carry things!!!"

(as i have no hubby, there really was not much I could comment on this subject apart from the usually "poor dear, what an ass of a hubby")

Mr. single banker then jumped in and stated "well, it's really quite basic. There are two types of men. The kind, sensitive, in touch with his feminine side ones.....and the alpha male, I am tarzan, king of the jungle type, pick one."

(am not quoting verbatim... my memory is not that great.. but you get the gist)

Mrs Expat: hmmm, i think mine is of the latter

Mr. Single banker: Ah, then it's really quite simple... it's all a matter of training the bloke then. Alpha males need to be rewarded and the simplest ways for them to comprehend is through sex.

Mrs Expat: but i am not allowed to after my surgery.... not for another 3 months! So even I am not getting any???!!!!

Mr. Single banker (groans): other ways to bring a man off.... for your type of man, he doesn't care how he gets off, as long as he does so!!!

Mrs. Expat (unconvinced): well, i suppose so... but what, I reward him although I am pissed with him???

Mr. Single banker: NO NO... training my dear, training. Tell him, he gets the groceries, he gets 1 hand job. He gets the groceries AND puts them away, he gets a blow job...... etc etc...

what an interesting notion! It sure had me stumped as basic household chores become negotiated by way of barter trading with, well, probably the world's oldest profession as currency....

Dumb Waiters

A talk by Lord Chief Justice Sir David Neuberger on "Humor and the Law".... and it's under that pretext that I was hanging at the British High Commisioner's Residence in Langkak Golf munching sinful spuds.

But whilst everything was all elegant and posh, it also happens that it is at such places that you find the dumbest waiters...

Yes, us girlies went to recuit one to take a nice pic of us doled up... but unfortunately he just didn't know where to point the camera... and hence, came out with this wonderful pic of us.....

our feet!

Well what to say, they is a reason that they are waiters!

The talk itself was surprisingly light and extremely humorous with the speaker telling cute anecdotes on faux pas committed in the somber, proper courtrooms. Dry, dry, British stiff upper lip humour.......

Spuds - they deserve their own entry

Gosh, I do miss real spuds. Ya ya, we do get fries out here in KL. But what I mean is the type that is actually crunchy on the outside and meltingly soft in the middle. Fresh and Hot!

En Angleterre, land of the potato people, it was in abundance... but out here you always feel that they are somehow fake (no matter how supposedly genuine they are written up to be).

Now last night, I was invited by Dory to the Oxbridge doda at the British High Commissioner's Residence... Oh ya, I got to mix with the super-intellectuals and to my surprise there was a big plate of roasted cum sauted potatoes... to the horror of all the brains, i simply gushed, mooned and simpered over this plate of spuds.... frightfully embarrasing; but is just couldn't help myself I spooned as many as possible onto my plate, til the watchful indian guy's face turned hostile.

Oh how I wish for a decent place here in KL that will produce me some wonderba potatoes...

OH I KNOW, I KNOW.... EVIL CARBS AGAIN!

Detox!

When I start having nightmares that my shit is green in colour, It's an omen and I know something is seriously wrong.

So over the weekend I dragged myself over to Petaling Street and stocked up on a serious load of fruits (grapefruits, left over CNY mandarins, bananas, Japanese pears) and embarked on a detox thing. Basically all you have to do is ONLY eat fruits for 3 days. Sounds easy, no?

OH MI GOD!!! I was fainting, palpitating, hormonal, lifeless... it was horrible! I seriously felt like I am dying. My stomach was grumbling... was so hungry I could have chewed off my own arm!!!

To add insult to injury I have all my evil chums (them deliberately hamming it up despite my advertisement of my current culinary HELL) continually tempting me with delights and some even offering me FREE EVIL FOOD!

1) Fairy - her frigging pizza she scoffed
2) Fuzet - Chocolates at the Shang or Japenese at Kampachi?
3) Fanda - Steak, spuds, desserts
4) Dory - Duck
etc etc .. you get the pic.. I hate each and every one of them!!?!?!

So three days on what can I say:-

1) I am addicted to my evil carbs. I love them. They make me orgasmic!

2) I am totally undisciplined (I had a fling with an almond croissant on the second day... and a one-night stand with half a roast chicken)

And I might as well just face these facts and get on with it......

Puteri Gunung Ledang

Its a Malaysian Legendary Tale.... I was supposed to watch the movie that came out about 6ish years ago but well, 6ish years later, I still didn't know the story. Anyway, Sonny flashed over the IM asking whether I would like to go, well why not? It sounds interesting. And anyway, the tickets are cheap - comparatively.

Catagory A seats are Rm 150, Catagory B seats are RM 100. There are also plenty of Cat B seats in the stalls. And heck, if you are some kind of Celcom user, you should also be entitled to a 30% discount (exactly how that works, I don't have the faintest idea, my buddy at IB box office arranged it for me that I paid RM 106.50 for a RM 151.50 tick)

So last night (Valentine's day) I forght a hellish jam to Istana Budaya (what's with KL when it rains?? Traffic is total CHAOS) and found that the show was delayed for half and hour because too many people were still stuck in traffic jam. Poor Sonny and Szeto took about 1 1/2 hours to get there from their place and managed to arrive, just in time for the opening. Phew!

The show last night was sold out. And I could see why. It was really very well done and I must say it exceeded my expectations. The scenery, the music, costumes, choreography... was really quite spectacular.

The storyline... well it's not much to shout about, it's a love story. Stephen Rahman-Hughes who takes the male lead well, let's just say he looks better in real life and he can sing (with a slight lisp). Tiara Jacquelina she does have stage charisma and can also sing. Let's be fair now... KL is no broadway or west end. And the actors may not be of sterling caliber, the mic system (some tweaking need to be done) but heck.. for a hundred bucks a throw, it's well worth it!

For those like me, clueless to our national language, no fear, there are SURTITLES in ENGLISH. But would strongly advise that you read the synopsis before watching the show.. cos reading too many surtitles can cause serious headaches.

Afternoon naps

I love them, especially on a lazy rainy day, with soft music playing in the back ground, in a cool dark room, snuggled up to cookie, wookie, and lumpy....life is bliss

My big problem is that I can't sleep at night after an afternoon nap and at 4.30am my eyes are still wide open and am tossing and turning trying to lull myself off... and once I do drift off it's only three and a half hours til i have to wake up and toddle of to work. Which makes a hellish day at work as my eyes feel raw and sunken, i get a headache and itch for an afternoon nap....

Popping up in Odd places

Like any genuine cookie monster, I do have a penchant for popping up in the weirdest places.

All dolled up in my purple trench DRESS, I smooched on over to the Lim family CNY party. I have been best friends with their third daughter (Immy) for the past 15 years and have thus known the family since my wild days. During those days, I was given a wide berth and they despaired at their precious daughter mixing with an uncouth, unkempt, slag-a-like. But heck, after so many years... well I matured somewhat and they finally come to the conculsion that I am not as harmful as I look.

Although Immy is not even in Malaysia, well I have imposed myself often enough to be considered an "old friend of at least one member of the family". So aunty issued the invite and moi "never mind the diet, give face la!"

Anyway, once i arrived, etiquette requires me to greet each family member before attacking the buffet tables... so I dutifully did the rounds until I finally schleped over to 4th sis, Li.

"Gerry, what on earth are you doing appearing on Oxbridge alumni functions?" Since you don't even have one frigging A level!!!

Er Er Er, I only appear at the food ones.... *blushed*

Ya, but every other function???!!!

Well, what can I say, I have connections! Thanks Dory!

that's not all yet...

As I was about to slink off after stuffing my face, I was grabbed to say hi

"Oh hi Hsien, Dato..."

er er er... aren't you my father's staff????

I grinned and finally managed to make an exit into the rainy night......time to get to that PORN stall......

Why am I dressed in a purple trench coat?

Reasons being:

1) Big boss coming in... need to look somewhat respectable
2) Have a dinner tonight and need to look respectable for that too

So something office-ish...something different... don't want to wear the same ol stuff... no money to shop... hence the purple trench coat thing...

anyway, everyone who knows me knows that i am a few cards short of a full deck... so what the heck! How many times a year can i walk around in this get up ??? For all the plebs out there it's a trench DRESS not a coat!!! and NO I am not an exhitbitionist enough to flash you!!!!

My quiet sleepy neighbourhood...

Usually when people ask me where I live I will reply "Desa Petaling"... and invariably I will receive "Where's that?"

My stock answers:

1) "on the way to Seremban, near the S.g Besi Toll"

2) "you know the funeral parlour, Nirvana... well if you stand near there and scream my name, someone or something will usually come running..."

Needless to say, that's how obscure Desa Petaling is... but I like it - the rent is cheap!

Anyway, I have recently taken up walking in the evenings (meager attempt to shed some of those CNY excesses) and walk around the small mingy set of shops just outside my apartment. 1 round will take me about 7 mins.... I do about 5-6 rounds...

Last night, on my first round I noticed an illegal VCD stall sprung up on the corner... yippee!...but on my second round, it has miraculously disappeared!... on my third round... it had suddenly appeared again... so i was not hallucinating after all! By the forth round the light bulb turned on "It's selling porn!!"

....so much for my quiet sleepy obscure neighbourhood....

Foie Gras

I love foie gras! - the most delicious of which is being served up at Cafe Cafe - at RM 48 per platter (3 measely slices only) but what exactly is it??

Dictionary.com provides:

foie gras
n : a pate made from goose liver (marinated in cognac) and truffles [syn: pate de foie gras]

Sounds Good, no?

until Google provided me with:

http://www.hsus.org/farm_animals/factory_farms/foie_gras.html

Yikes!!!! Awww *sniff* - the question now remains...will i keep eating the stuff....

Rum Jungle

I was lured by an intriguing sms from Chacko to the Rum Jungle.

"thatched hut with a china man in a loin cloth"

So I treked on over and found it was the old Bollywood place but now sans bangra and hello Tasmanian (or is it Tanzanian) reggae band. I must say, quite happening and I did enjoy it. Though I can't really tell which I enjoyed more... wathching Chacko bop or the place itself. And as my luck would have it... NO Chinaman in the loin cloth - he took 1 month leave for CNY. So didn't get any chances to grope and maul legally...

Back to work

After such a long CNY break, I must say, I am almost glad to return to work. All that indiscriminate assualt on sensory pleasures is only fun in small doses.

Well.. I guess i got my wish... I have a whole year before all this happens again.

By the way, don't mess around with Cats. They are Vengeful and sneaky about it! They shit all over the floors to show their displeasure....

Chinese New Year Celebrations!

I am sure that there are much more deeper meanings to CNY - but for me, it's a time for reunions, eating, shopping, eating, visiting, eating, gambling, ungpoas and more eating...

Hey don't get me wrong... I LURVE food and all the other sensual pleasures, I even like the traditions, selectively. I even do the Chinese Aunty thing and share oranges (in exchange for ung poas that don't rattle).

But by the 3rd day, the clothes start to groan, the scales go on strike and all we have to look forward to is fruit and water diets only....

The Upside is that I learned the basics of 3-leg mahjong, 3 cards, and how to surf Astro AND the Net at the same time. I love CNY....